Title lyric from “Nothing Else Matters” by Metallica
Alright. So after a LOOOOOOOONG wait following an…overall not great season and a finale that made us kinda homicidal, our boys are finally back with us. They came back emotionally bruised, but they’re back. And now they’re dealing with the aftermath of losing Cas (*sniffle*), losing their mom (meh), losing Crowley (*sob*).
This episode does a couple of things really well, such as the boys reverting, to a certain extent, back to their S1 personalities: Dean is all gank first, ask questions later; Sammy is all questions and reasoning. And it makes sense to see the boys—especially Dean—return to these well-trodden roles. They have quite literally lost everything. And while they may have felt like that before, this time it’s different. This time, it’s very real. They’ve lost a brother: Castiel. They’ve lost their mother (Which is very different this time and much more difficult because Dean was so young that he didn’t have a very developed relationship with Mary when she died the first time and Sam, being an infant, didn’t have a relationship to remember at all – Marge). They’ve even lost Crowley, the best frenemy the boys could’ve ever had, the demon who saved their bacon more times than we can count since Season 5, FFS. They have nothing but each other, for the first time in a long time. So how do they handle all of it in this, our season premiere? Let’s talk about it.
Season 13 opens, as we mentioned in our sneak peek, with the most painful “The Road So Far” montages we’ve seen, well, so far. Once that heartache is done, we get our first S13 glimpse of Jack the Nephilim, Lucifer’s half-human son.
DAWN: I read a lot of epic fantasy. And I used to play D&D. I am here to tell you that being half-human comes with two things: some cool power thanks to whatever the other half is, and a lot of aggravation. A. Lot.
Already fully grown (we’re still unclear as to whether he actually came out that way) and without any guidance, he is a definite handful. His mom is dead (thank you, NovaVag?), and his dad is…well, gone.
ERICA: Can we just talk, for a hot second here, about how adorable it is that Jack—at least briefly—imprinted like a baby duck or a goose or something onto Sam? You know…until Dean showed up, all big gun swinging, and scared the all-powerful Nephilim into banshee-screaming the boys into unconsciousness, that is.
DAWN: Adorable, yes. But common, somehow. A better writing choice would have been to have him imprint on Dean, who is arguably more vulnerable and who—let’s face it—lives to have someone to take care of.
MARGE: I also think that Dean would have been the ironic choice, and would have made for some good tv, since he definitely wanted to kill Jack immediately… Kinda hard to kill the little fella when he thinks you’re his pops.
ERICA: We’ve done this, though—baby Amara, y’all.
DAWN: Yes, and now there’s no Uncle Crowley to…. Err…. help. Ish.
MARGE: But…but… baby Amara was creepy and I didn’t like her… I like Jack, so far.
That’s right, ladies and gents–we get a pretty early view of Jackieboy’s powers when he knocks our beloved Winchesters out for the count….and walks away, buck-ass naked.
ERICA: This did, however, lead to one of the funnest Twitter exchanges between me and Dawn. But I digress.
Cut to the new title screen, featuring Jack’s glowing yellow eye. Which doesn’t look like Sauron’s eye at all, why would you even say that?
The boys wake up (after some nasty bad dreams, because TPTB can’t possibly pass up a chance to show mommy burning on the ceiling again) to an empty-except-for-dead-bodies house. This gives us our first glimpse into a dead Castiel. Then off the boys fuck to find our naked Nephilim, making snarky comments about curly fries along the way.
In the meantime, Jack (still naked) is at the local burger joint when up pulls our local sheriff–a BAMF of a female sheriff, because of COURSE she is, because almost all of the women in this show are BAMFs. Being that Jack’s first real interaction with a gun is when Dean pulls one on him, we were understandably concerned as the first commercial break rolled around that this new BAMF sheriff was going to go bye-bye. That turned out NOT to be the case; instead, she brought him to the sheriff’s office, clothed him (Much to our disappointment. – Marge and Erica HE IS BASICALLY A VERY TALL INFANT, YOU FILTHY OLD WOMEN!! – Dawn He is a very tall, INCREDIBLY HOT, GROWN infant, though! – Marge), and started trying to talk to him about who he was, where his parents were—you know, typical lost kid stuff. And then she takes his fingerprint. HOO BOY let me tell you—Sheriff BAMF knows something’s up then, because Jackieboy’s fingerprint is..well…not normal.
DAWN: It kinda looks like a barcode. But that’s a whole other dystopia.
Cue our boys calling. Turns out, they’d ALSO gone to the local burger joint because, as Sammy says, it’s not like Jack could’ve gone far naked, thus proving that Sam didn’t have nearly as much fun in college as he should have. While there, we see one of the workers talking to this SUUUUUUUPER drunk bitch who’s talking about her ex-college roommate Becky and harassing the poor nerd boy behind the counter for fries at 9:00 in the morning (in case you needed proof she was drunk or that she was a bitch). While there, nerd boy behind the counter mentions seeing the weird naked guy, and adds that weird naked guy is now with the sheriff. (Also? Dean done fucked up his hand, and people keep asking why. This will be important later.) There was this dialogue, which was really very funny, so nice job, there, Andrew Dabb:
SAM: Okay, I’m, I’m looking for a guy. Uh, he’s about your height, uh… naked.
DRUNK GIRL: You and me both, sister.
Meanwhile, at the police station, Jack and the sheriff’s son have disappeared, and Sheriff BAMF walks through the station, lights flickering, trying to find them. Which she does. By the vending machines. It’s at this point we get our BEST quote from our sweet, guileless Nephilim.
Remember Season 12, Episode 19, “The Future,” when FetusJack touched Cas and gave Cas power, and Cas suddenly became all we must protect the child? Looks like some of Castiel rubbed off on Jack because with that simple statement, that kid is DEFINITELY Castiel’s son. And in fact there are more than a few moments where that is very clear, to the point where quite a lot of the fandom is theorizing that Alex Calvert either watched a LOT of Castiel-centric episodes or perhaps worked directly with Misha Collins to get some of Cas’ affectations and mannerisms down. It’s on purpose, is our point. Whether that will turn out to be the actor’s decision or the director’s or the writers’, however, remains to be seen. But seriously, just look at this adorable father-son resemblance:
Jack puts some kind of whammy on the machine to get more candy, and then….Angel Radio….we’re not sure exactly how but Angel Radio comes in loud and clear, which scares the nougat out of Jack and he does his weird banshee thing again—he wasn’t trying to, as far as we can tell, but them’s the breaks. So off he runs and out he pops, right into Dean, which is when Sam Tases him. This broke Dawn’s brain and made Marge question why this show even bothers with lore anymore. Then Sheriff BAMF wakes up and pulls a gun on the Winchester brothers, since they are hovering over an unconscious Jack.
Cue Jack and Sammy behind bars, while Dean tells Sheriff BAMF that monsters are real, and he and Sam hunt them.
ERICA: I won’t lie, this bugged the shit out of me. 12 seasons—TWELVE SEASONS—of the boys prevaricating left, right, and center. First shot out this season and he’s telling this lady that monsters are real. WTF?
MARGE: I agree with Erica about the total shift from the norm being annoying as hell, but I also think Dean is just so FUCKING DONE that he can’t even muster the energy to tell the lie.
DAWN: IDGAF how done he is. This is completely counter to basically EVERYTHING EVER, but then again who cares about what went before, right? ONWARD AND UPWARD, TPTB! You’re doing an AWESOME job. /sarcasm
While Dean and Sheriff BAMF are talking, so too are Sam and Jack. Sam and Jack are talking about what Jack remembers from before he was born (because, apparently, Nephilim remember this shit). Jack tells Sam he had to be born fully grown because his mother told him the world was a dangerous place (Yeah, but she didn’t mean her poor birth canal, and also I guess that answers our question from earlier, and what WTAF, TPTB??? Maybe a c-section would have been the better choice, FFS – Dawn). This is ALSO where we find out that Jack thinks his father is Castiel—that he CHOSE Cas to be his father. Giving us one of Dawn’s best tweets of the night:
Enter the asshole angels. Oh, did I forget to mention the asshole angels? The asshole angels are here, joined by the super hungover bitch from the burger joint who, OH WAIT, is ALSO an asshole angel. Fighting and snark ensues, resulting in Marge’s favorite scene from the episode:
And then the snarky bitch puts a goddamned angel blade into Jack’s heart. Jack blinks, and then PULLS THAT SHIT OUT LIKE IT’S NOTHING. This is where Marge’s brain broke (because ya know… LORE-MYTHOS-CONTINUITY PEOPLE… FUCK – Marge).
ERICA: Come to find out, apparently this is because Luci is ALSO immune to the Angel Blade…I guess…
MARGE: WHY?! Why is Lucifer immune?… His really fucking awesome brother certainly wasn’t… FUCK.
ERICA: I DON’T KNOW WHY! I DON’T MAKE THE RULES! (said in her best Ouiser from Steel Magnolias voice)
MARGE: I’m sorry I yelled at you… I know none of this is your fault. FUCK THE RESPONSIBLE PARTIES! Assholes, the lot of them!
The boys plan to take Jack home with them because, as Dean says, they need to figure him out before they gank him. It’s at this point that Sammy starts talking about Chuck, and wondering if Chuck will come back to help.
Remember how we said Dean’s hand being fucked up would be important? Here’s why/how/when: Dean tells Sam he’s already tried that. And once again, here we find that Jensen Ackles is a fucking beast when it comes to the emotional shit the past couple of seasons, because godDAMN if that wasn’t more of Jensen’s excellent work.
There is nothing more torturous than watching broken soldier Dean, but this particular scene left the fans’ hearts more shattered than ever. They cut to Dean outside of the burger joint, while Sammy is inside talking to nerd boy and drunk bitch, and Dean is praying… Praying and begging Chuck to help them, to make things right, to bring their family and friends back, while punching the restaurant sign until his knuckles are bloody pulp. He even prays for Crowley (*sobs*). He manages to call god a son of a bitch to boot. He says “We’ve lost everything… and you’re going to bring him back,” and all the shippers—Destiel and the BFF shippers alike—were basically YES, CHUCK, YES YOU DAMN WELL WILL, YOU FUCKER.
MARGE: My heart has never hurt more for Dean and Jensen Ackles’ acting in this scene was some of the most amazingly well done pain and anguish that has ever graced a television screen. Just see for yourselves:
DAWN: It reminded me so much of the scene from way back in Season 2, Episode 2, when Dean’s way of dealing with Dad’s death was to take it out on the Impala, with a tire iron. So good. So, so good.
MARGE: You… you mean… they accomplished CONTINUITY?!?! I had no idea they were capable…
Now we move forward to the end, where they give Cas a hunter’s funeral. Apparently, Jared spoiled this MONTHS ago, but Erica missed all the spoilers (because she lives under a rock) so it HURT to watch them give Cas a hunter’s funeral. Because obviously he’s dead. He’s not coming back from that stabbing. And of course they gave him a hunter’s funeral—angel or no, he was their brother, and a fellow hunter through and through.
They tell Jack some bullshit condolences, because what else do you say when a boy realizes his father is dead, and then they light the pyre.
MARGE: I WISH I had missed the spoilers because this entire scene just made me go “Pffffffft.” This was one of the big emotional points so knowing what was up before hand just made much of the episode have little effect.
DAWN: Same problem. It’s not like they seemed to even try to keep the secret either, after Jared spilled the beans—Misha has been all over the pre-premiere collateral, and he was at Comic Con where they spoiled it AGAIN, so for me there was no spectacular heartbreak here.
ERICA: WELL AREN’T YOU BOTH JUST LUCKY BITCHES THEN.
And then we move to the alternate dimension, where Mary is fighting Lucifer for her life—and we’re betting on the over/under of her sleeping with Lucifer eventually because Mary makes bad decisions and she’s fallen for a charming sociopath before **coughcoughKETCHcoughcough** so why not fuck the First of the Fallen, amirite?
So that’s the season 13 premiere in a nutshell. Some cool things, mostly meh things–so much meh, in fact, that Erica, while writing the bare bones skeleton for this, couldn’t remember the basic order that things went in in the episode, leaving it to Dawn and Marge to come pick up the pieces of Erica’s shattered brainpan. Let’s hope this picks up a bit, because if it’s a whole bunch of Nephilim-sitting for the first half of S13, we’re bored already.
P.S. More Bobby, more gooder. Just sayin’. #TeamTruckerHat